One of the toughest decisions parents will make is if, and more likely, when, to give their child a smartphone. Most parents try to delay it, but we live in a digital world, and for many families, a phone becomes an essential tool to stay connected. And although it is a big responsibility, giving a phone doesn’t have to be detrimental, say experts.
The key? Giving clear guidelines, and early. “With powerful social media algorithms and the plethora of inappropriate apps out there, ‘seeing how it goes; rarely works well. It’s best to set up clear guidelines right from the beginning,” says Jean Twenge, Phd, Professor of Psychology at San Diego Sate University and author of 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World.
We asked Twenge, as well as Dr. Michael Rich MD, PhD, Director and Founder of the Digital Wellness Lab at Boston Children’s Hospital, and author of The Mediatrician’s Guide: A Joyful Approach to Raising Healthy, Smart, Kind Kids in a Screen-Saturated World, for their advice on this crucial topic.
Two of the nation’s top experts in the field of pediatrician digital wellness, here’s what guidelines they say to set now to avoid issues later.
Save the Smartphone for Older Kids
The best case scenario is to wait as long as you can, of course, before giving your child a smartphone. “I recommend not giving kids smartphones until they have their driver’s license (or are at least 16 and can get around independently). Before that, kids can have basic phones designed for children that do not allow social media, general internet access, or AI companion apps,” says Rich.
Prioritize Parental Controls
There are safeguards on phones and other gadgets that are included in the iPhone, as well as others you can download for extra protection and access to their phone, like Bark. According to Twenge, there are a few to cover: “First, downtime so the phone can only be used for emergencies after bedtime (no scrolling through social media at 2 am). Then, require a parent passcode for app downloads. If they want a specific app you can discuss it instead of them just downloading it. For example, if you don’t want your kid to have an AI girlfriend, you need to disable app downloads,” says Twenge.
The important part? You’re not relying on your child do monitor themselves. “If you trust your kid to always do the right thing on their phone you will be continuously disappointed,” adds Twenge.
Mentor Them on Phone Use
When you give a child a phone, guide them through setting it up as well as proper usage—from texting etiquette to what they’re allowed and not allowed to do. “Mentor them when you introduce the phone, teaching them what you know and learning from them with curiosity and respect (because they will will know things that you may not),” says Rich. Like with parenting, listening to their experience and answering their questions can be crucial.
Model Good Behavior
Showing instead of telling is key on this one. “If you don’t want your kid on their phone at the dinner table, don’t use your own phone at the dinner table! And turn off all notifications except for calls and texts so you’re not picking up your phone for every social media update or news story,” suggests Twenge.
Create Consequences Together
“Talk explicitly about what they will do with that phone, what they will not do, and what they think the consequence of misusing the phone will be,” says Rich.
He adds that this only works if you talk about the guidelines and consequences early, ideally before they get the phone. “If you wait until after they have the phone, they will not volunteer to lose it and taking it away for misuse will feel like a punishment rather than a natural consequence of their own behavior,” says Rich.
Twenge also recommends keeping an eye out for signs of addiction, and says you may need to pivot, no matter how unpopular. Says Twenge: “If they do break guidelines, then yes, take the phone away or delete problematic apps. If they seem addicted, give them a phone designed for kids with no social media or internet. Tell them it’s that phone or none.”
Rich says what you do as a mentor, and setting guidelines and consequences really does matter: “Do not despair, this is not a lost, rewired generation, but they do need our guidance and support to reach their potentials as healthy, smart, kind kids.”